Hope

I hustled back from the grocery store with a couple bottles of red. I tuned in the local jazz station on my laptop, and opened the first bottle. I looked around to make sure the apartment was looking as good as it could. I sat two glasses down and poured wine into them. I sipped from one, and danced a bit, warming myself up on both fronts. We had finally begun talking again just a week or so ago. It had been quite a while. It took some time and effort to get her to come over, even as it was clear she had wanted to as well. This was going to be a big night. I was nervous. I hoped we would be reconnecting and not discussing anything big. I was just thrilled for a start. That first glass had gone down fast. I poured another, but realized I needed to slow down. The jazz was lively, and I couldn't help dance a bit. Slower, more romantic songs would play later, when we would (hopefully) be together, dancing and looking longingly into each others' eyes. Yeah.. 8:30 came and went, but I wasn't concerned. She was usually late. It would be any time now. I went out into the chilly night air to wait, bringing my wine with me. I had been dying to see her round the corner on her way over for so long now. There were so many nights that I had stood there wishing to see her round that corner again, and now it was about to happen at any moment. Suddenly, there she was, all smiles and carrying the same backpack as she had always carried. It meant she was going to stay the night. Yes! She was dressed to kill! I got an instant hard on. “Hi Beautiful!” “Hi!” “Lemme help you with that.” “No, I got it.” We embraced the sweetest embrace and went inside. She placed her backpack down on the floor and looked around. Everything in the apartment was different than the last time she was there. It had been many months. Neither of us seemed to know what to do. We had been there together so many times before, always as a couple. Now, however, we couldn't figure out whether to hold each other or tear each others' clothes off or what to do. I handed her a glass of wine. We sat together sipping and began small talk. We were both nervous. She pulled out a bottle of red from her backpack. We did a taste test, and decided hers was better. We sipped her wine for a while, eventually finding ways to laugh. After a while, a lively song came on, one we had danced to before. I got up and began dancing, then asked her to join. A myschievous smile built on her face and she joined me. We danced and I spun her around like I used to. I marvelled at the look her eyes held; the look of a woman admired and appreciated. Smiles imprinted each of our faces. We took breaks to sip more wine in between songs. Everything was going well. We were fully enjoying our night in. it had been so long. It brought back many memories. Her delighted laugh echoed through the chilly night. The glow on her face seemed to illuminate the dim apartment. A slow, timeless song came on. We danced close, feeling our bodies move against each other, wanting and longing to shred the barriers to our connection. We were starving for each other. Slowly we got closer, feeling our kiss without actually touching. The smell of wine hung in the air as if our breath kissed for us. The movement of our bodies was amazing foreplay, demanding more. The look in each others' face was unmistakeable. We were being swept away. The first kiss was gentle and among the sweetest ever. The second was more intense. Our hands caressed each other, exploring appreciatively. The third kiss brought our tongues to caress each others'. Our dancing was increasingly seductive. Our hands roamed more and more. As the song ended, our passions rose even higher. My hands caressed her curves, then slowly rose up her shirt. Her hands gripped my back. I unhooked her bra quickly, but smoothly. She let out a soft moan and our tongues glided over each others'. I lifted her shirt off gently but quickly. Mine came off quicker. We embraced each other and moved in stunningly sexual ways to the new song. I licked her neck up to her earlobe and nibbled on it as she let out another moan. Her hands gripped my back tighter. I whispered, “So beautiful, so sexy.” into her ear. Her head was leaned back as I gently pressed my teeth into the base of her neck. I reached down and slid off her skirt and panties. She let out a louder moan as they fell to the floor. I firmly pressed my teeth into the side of her neck. She breathed heavily. Jazz continued to play as we made our way into the bedroom. In very short order she was under me on the bed. Anticipation ran rampid. Our hands caressed and explored everywhere, savoring every inch of each other. Heavy breathing and moans were set against the background of jazz. I kissed down to her nipples, sucking each into my mouth and massaging with my tongue. Her body tightened up and her hands gripped my shoulders tightly. I kissed and licked my way down further. I ran my tongue down her curves on her right side. Her whole body awakened to the sensual. She was already broiling. I kissed down further, licking her hips, building anticipation. Her body quivered. She was already beyond ready, but passionate flames could still reach higher levels. I kissed and licked her right thigh, stopping just short of where she so desperately wanted. I more slowly licked her left thigh, again stopping just short. She let out a loud moan and her back arched. She was truly broiling, set to go off in spectacular ways. I kissed her clit first, with just my lips. Her body was quaking. I took a very slow lick, adding fuel to the fire, as she moaned. I gently sucked her clit into my mouth as I put my arms around her thighs, knowing I'd have to keep up with her movements. I settled in and began massaging her clit with my tongue just right. She let out a gasp as her back arched severely. I felt her juices pour down my chin. She had already orgasmed, the first of many to come. Her body began quivering and quaking more severely as I switched from vertical to horizontal to maximize the effect as I sucked even harder on her clit. Her hips would rise sporatically and dramatically. I stayed right with her, relentless. Her moans and screams greatly drown out the background jazz. Increasingly I felt her juices pouring. I delighted in feeling her throbbings against my chin as pleasures coursed through her body. Her moans and gasps spoke volumes. Her legs quivered. Once in a while I had to hold her legs from crushing my head. I was determined to give the best orgasms imaginable. I couldn't get enough. Orgasm after orgasm, too much just wasn't enough. Suddenly her back arched more severe than I thought possible. She let out a huge, long gasp. She somehow held that position for a long time, albeit with some twitching of her body. She didn't seem to be breathing much. Her throbbing beat hard against my chin. Just as suddenly, she collapsed, panting. It was time. I got up, and slid her up a bit further on the bed. I got on top of her and kissed her as her hands weakly gripped my shoulders. I reached down and slowly slid myself inside her. She was so swollen that it was difficult to even get started. As I got further in, she gripped me hard as her back arched. She was too swollen, and it actually kind of hurt to enter her. I had to keep my hand down there to guide myself as I slowly worked my way into her more fully. Her moans turned to screams as I got deeper. Finally I got in far enough to take my hand away. As I pushed deeper, she wrapped her arms around me, holding tight. I worked my way still deeper. She yelled, “Hold me!” as I felt contractions inside of her. Finally I was all in, and began gently, but firmly thrusting. Her entire body tensed up as she gripped me tighter than ever. The background jazz was drown out by moans, screams, and the sound of skin slapping against skin. We were just getting started. Whenever I would begin getting close to completion, I would think of something else. This way I could last longer. It wasn't easy. She was so swollen, and we were so passionate that I couldn't stop from losing myself inside her for as long as I wanted. It still took a while though. She gripped me very hard as I came and slowly ground my cum deep inside. We lay just like that for quite a while, catching our breath. Her body kept quivering and quaking. Her eyes were so squinted I could only catch a slight glimpse into them. Her face held an expression of disbelief. She seemed to still be cumming. I began kissing her neck and nibbling on her earlobe. Her body tensed again. It didn't take long for me to be ready. I could still feel the contractions inside her, pulling me even deeper. It was as if she was hungry for me. I began gently thrusting. She looked at me with an amazed look, as in disbelief. I propped myself up with my arms and kept going. Her back arched and her mouth opened wide. I pulled one of her legs up and put it on my shoulder, then the other. I put my hands on her forearms. I had her right where I wanted her, and began thrusting harder. She gasped then screamed. I intensified. The bed shook violently. She tilted her head to the side. Her expression read a combination of pleasures and maybe even some level of pain. Her breast bounced almost like a dance. Her toes were curled. Her back was arched. She throbbed deep inside. The sound of bodies colliding was like music. Cold sweat broke out on her forehead. Again I lost myself inside her. This time I laid beside her, catching my breath. She put her head on my shoulder. I leaned my cheek against the top of her head, my right arm around her. Her right arm lay across my ribs. It was sweet, cozy, affectionate. A slow, timeless jazz song played in the background. Sweat cooled off, so we pulled a blanket over us. I fought back some tears as I realized how much I missed her. after quite some time of this, she raised her head and looked at me. Her smile said so much, but her eyes said more. Sweet affection, romance, and passion had returned to our lives. We were always able to combine making love and raw fucking, the best of all worlds. We were just getting started again. She leaned in and kissed me, her tongue entering my mouth. She caressed my chest, leading up to my left cheek. She stopped kissing me, then looked into my eyes. She softly brought her fingertips down the side of my face before kissing me gently on the lips. Then her hands went down my chest as she again slid her tongue in my mouth. Slowly her hand reached my cock. I moaned as she stroked and stroked. She broke of her kiss and looked into my eyes with a smile. She began kissing my neck and nibbling, even biting, as she stroked and stroked. I moaned as I knew what was coming. She kissed further down and further down, stopping just shy of where I wanted her to go. She looked my my eyes as if I were the greatest person ever, smiled, and slid her mouth over my cock. She began slow and shallow, just stimulating the head. My body tensed as nerves reported the sensations. Then she went deeper, tightening her grip. Then she went deeper still. Every hair on my body stood straight up. Then she she began building speed. I looked at her, so beautiful, so amazing, going to town on my cock. Her long hair bounced crazily. It seemed magical madness. On and on she went. Then she stopped about half way through. She climbed on top of me, and slowly slid herself over my cock, letting out a loud moan as I was fully inside her. I gripped her breasts with my hands as she began moving. Her hands gripped mine. Her head leaned forward, her hair flowing down. She moaned and screamed as her movements intensified. I felt the pressure of her against the head of my cock. I was all the way in her. My head rubbed against her hard. Her whole body twitched with every orgasm. It took all I had to hold back, but finally I let lose. Somehow she sensed I was about to cum and came violently at the same time. She collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily, still quaking and quivering. I held her tightly. After a while, she rolled off of me, laying flat. I put my arm under her and lay on my right side, I gently ran my fingertips along her curves. Her body responded appreciatively. I brought them up the middle of her body to her neck, then down across her right breast and down lower. I ran my fingertip across her wetness to her clit, then began massaging it with firmness. Her body tensed as she gasped. I licked her neck and nibbled her earlobe. I worked my way down to her nipples, continuing to massage her just right. She quivered, getting there again. She rolled onto her right side, but I kept massaging just right, squeezing her left breast while nibbling on her neck. It didn't take long for her to cum. I reached down and put her calf on my leg, then slid myself inside her. Her back arched and she moaned. I held her calf in my hand, opening her up just right, and began thrusting. It wasn't as deep as other positions but somehow seemed even more intimate. Every thrust seemed to hit home, and she quaked and moaned nearly nonstop. I could feel every move she made as well as everything that moved her. The sensual seemed to reach ever more heights. She was broiling over. It excited me a bit too much and I lost it before I wanted to. We lay there like that for a while. Her body still quaked from time to time. It was our old sleeping position. My right arm was under her pillows, my left arm fitting perfectly around her curves. Before long I heard her soft snore. It nearly brought tears to my eye. It had been so long, and I had missed her so much. Slowly sleep took me as well. A few short hours later I was awakened by her absence. The bathroom door was closed with the light on. Whew! She came out a few moments later. She was fully dressed. She didn't look at me. I got up. “You're leaving?” “Yeah, I just want my own bed.” “Are you coming back?” “Yeah.” “Let me see you to your place, then?” “No, I don't think so.” “Maybe one last embrace at least?” we held each other for a few moments, she fully dressed, my being naked. We looked at each other appreciatively but sadly. It might be the last time we ever see each other. We walked out through the living room. Bittersweet jazz still played. Our wine glasses still sat there, testaments to a wonderful night in. We kissed briefly at the door. I watched as she walked away, rounding the corner again. I sighed and closed the door. I got dressed, knowing there was no way to get back to sleep. I sipped the wine from her glass, making sure to place my lips where hers had been, just like I did in the old days. I sat down and got on the laptop, turning off the jazz. I sipped wine and looked up football news. I needed the distraction.

gotten away

“Can you just stand here with me for a while?” Ten seconds later she kisses you, Forcing her tongue inside your mouth Then walks away, looking back and smiling As she leaves with some guy, Having proven her point. Yet, all you can think of is the woman you love.. the one who may have gotten away

Bitches

Jobs and relationships are similar; Everyone bitches about them, Until they have nothing to bitch about.

understanding

I never fully understood Bukowski’s Genius Until I had a relationship I actually wanted to keep.

Growth

The tortured minutes churn Into hours that make up the day And the days, slowly, Turn into weeks Which turn into months And slowly, so slowly The wounds turn to scars And memories fade Into the current consciousness the flood subsides And the sting of the loneliness Becomes the norm once again And one cannot help but wonder If it could ever be good again If their best times have already past And the new norm is distant, cold, Heartless, lifeless, and silent, but open to possibilities, although none are appealing all it offers is newness. The sound of muffled weeping, A pillow soaked through Takes the place of lovemaking That would be followed By the soft snore of a loved one And the cold morning Gives way to stumbled footsteps Heading to the coffeemaker Walking on her rug Seeing her painting Outside staring at the place Where she would appear Rounding the corner on her way over For a night of greatness Only strangers appear there now Going to the club that was once ours Only strangers are there too They buy shots and say “I love this guy!” There’ll be no love tonight. Finding little things she left behind Remembering happier times When she was around, or at least interested It feels almost like continuation, Yet almost like a death What would she have wanted me to do? What would she think of this? Wait until she hears the news! Yet she is nowhere to be found The only her is of memory. And the minutes churn to hours And then to days and weeks The love and laughter turn to silence Hope dies a slow death And memories fade to legion A warm heart grows colder

Sound

Has there ever been anything sadder than lone footsteps in a place that once held love?

You get off

You Get Off by Liam Spencer

The not yours flies past creating
a burst that drives rain, dirt, and leaves
into your frigid body
while you stand waiting too long,
eager for the warmth and rhythm
of the bus that’ll take you
south from the lovely city
where you live spartanly

a young woman stands distant
typing at her phone, but
you notice that she keeps looking
to see if you’re looking
but you’re not interested
and she looks sad.

Another woman walks up, smiles, and
asks if the 43 has been through
“No, haven’t seen it.”
Then she wants to know where you’re going.
She has smiley eyes and a nice body,
Early thirties, near her prime,
But you’re in love and taken,
Remembering that just an hour ago
You held her and kissed her goodbye
And now you miss her warmth,
And long for tomorrow
When you’ll have
her close to you again.

The damn bus is late, and you wonder
if it missed you somehow
and you think of giving up
staying home. damn appointment anyway
and yet, finally, doors open in front of you
and heat meets your wind whipped face
as you climb aboard.

There are few people and all try
To pretend they’re not checking out
Others on the bus. You look around
And wonder what their stories are
What their lives are like
Their wants, passions, hopes
They all seem lost, seeking, hoping
someone will find them, validate them
somehow. They say it in their eyes
there’s a desperation, yet they’re all young,
and very attractive.
More stops and more get on
As some pile out.

The bus rolls on through downtown
And you watch attractive and well dressed
People with seemingly nice lives
Going about their day as you imagine
They always do.
And you notice everyone seems
Attractive and well dressed,
And you don’t really want to leave
This area of the city
To go south, where thing are much tougher
And far less beautiful,
But you must make the appointment.

Then it happens. It’s as if
there came a line that was crossed,
and all the attractive people scurry off the bus,
pour out on the streets,
and race north, as if they are afraid
of being somewhere they’re not supposed
to be. And you sit there and watch
as the beaten down, downtrodden, and ugly
begin piling on the bus.

Their faces say so much
But their eyes say it all.
They’re not looking for acceptance or validation.
That has been dead for a long time
In them. There is no searching for hope
Or even longing or desire for beauty.
They face a day of pain and humiliation
And the bus rolls on, further south

And you realize it’ll be another day and a half
Before you hold her in your arms
And you remember the sweetness of her kiss
The disappointment in her face that you
Had to go away early that morning.
You count yourself lucky to have her
And try to focus elsewhere.

More people pile on the crowded and noisy bus
You check the time and route, trying to figure out
Where the hell you’re going
And when this journey ends.

Then you realize it is just beginning, really.
This is your new chapter.
The bus rolls on, and your back
Is now killing you, especially when the bus slows.
Some people argue behind you
And people turn and stare unkindly
To let them know they’ve violated unwritten rules
The arguers hush themselves and mere
mumbles are heard. You move to the front of the bus
to grab a schedule and get away from arguments.
The driver looks at a crossword puzzle at every red light.
She’s immersed in this misery too.
And the bus winds its way through narrow streets
Lined with plain and dreary houses
Where people merely exist and hold on as best they can
For as long as they’re able.

And finally the bus gets on a highway
It won’t be long now
And those remaining on the bus
Grow quiet as if appeased by some
Sort of progress in their lives.

exiting the highway brings back
the restless conversations,
and those exiting the bus outnumber
those climbing on by four to one.
Where the hell is your stop?

On and on and on and on
It seems to never end.
And you wonder if you’ll end up
like these people,drained of all hope,
denied a life, condemned to misery
and you understand now
the attractive people from earlier,
seeking, longing, searching, hoping
and you miss the her that has your heart
and you swallow as your thoughts
turn to the rotten fuckers that hold your future,
your hopes, your very life
in their incompetent hands that shuffle
paperwork that their empty, yet ruthless minds
cannot possibly comprehend,
yet they have absolute power
over you, over everything.

And you gear up to face one of them
Who’ll later kill you while smiling.
Your chest tightens. Your heart thumps heavily.
Your stop is next.
Wind whips leaves and dirt and rain
In circles, as the world waits
to batter you because you’re down
the bus pulls up, the doors open.
You get off.